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Letting Go: The Challenges and Benefits

By Laurie Mullen
Reprinted from Wisconsin Woman magazine, May 2010

Perhaps many reading this article have already dealt with the challenges of "letting go" of your child at a number of junctures in their development. Maybe it was their first day of preschool or kindergarten, or spending a week at camp, or walking into high school as a freshman. Later, for some, it's that first day on the college campus, or that walk up the wedding aisle.

Even though these milestones have different places on the timeline of your child's life, the emotional experiences for the parent are similar at each. There is that undulating mixture of love and pride with some anxiety that all will go well. The apron strings are stretched as your child takes their next step toward independence.

For parents, there is the frequent questioning of how much they are holding on, not wanting to hold on too tight and smother their child in a tangle of dependence, nor wanting to push them along before they are ready in a premature or lenient way. Where do you fall along this continuum? Most of us are not taught parenting skills in high school or college, and create our own style as we go. Often, we want to avoid the mistakes we think our parents made with us, and sometimes swing to the other pole in compensation. Whether two parents are in the same household or not, the blending of their styles is not always smooth, with sometimes frequent disagreements on decisions such as setting curfews or attending sleepovers. Once again, there is that delicate balance of what to allow and what to wait on, giving the child room to grow, learn, and experience life while giving up parental control as their age and personality dictate.

Congratulations to all those parents out there who are able to walk these fine lines; you are raising balanced, confident, and mature young adults who are willing and able to accept responsibility for their lives and become reliable, contributing citizens. If you’ve read this far, you're probably one of them!

Launching a Successful School Year

By Laurie Mullen
Reprinted from Wisconsin Woman magazine, September 2009

In preparing for a new school year, many parents focus primarily on buying the required school supplies and often some new clothing for their growing and/or fashion conscious child. It's easy to feel "done" and ready for school to start once such items are acquired.

But as a parent, is your job in the school year preparation process really complete at this point? How many parents out there make a practice of sitting down with their child and having a thoughtful conversation (not a lecture) about their student's expectations for the year ahead?

Don't underestimate the power of goal setting. Consider sitting down with your child and discussing their goals for the school year in such areas as grades, participation in sports and clubs, friends, and community service. For a healthy and productive session, listen more than you talk. After some goals are chosen, brainstorm together ways for those goals to be achieved. Suggesting usually works better than telling.

Finally, have periodic follow-up conversations as the year progresses, checking in with your child in a supportive way as to their progress in these goal areas. Along the way, you may find yourself creating your own goals as a parent, such as your degree of involvement, depending on the child's goals, needs, and developmental stage. Not only will both of you feel pride as various landmarks are reached, but your relationship will be strengthened, as well.

The Power of Patience

By Laurie Mullen
Reprinted from Wisconsin Woman magazine, July 2009

What parent has not taken an exasperated breath while waiting for a child to (fill in the blank: complete a task, struggle with buttons or a zipper, etc.). In this "hurry up" world, are we as parents stopping to think about the repercussions our sometimes impatient attitudes or actions may have on our children?

From toilet training to learning how to ride a bike, there are many occasions where the teacher aspect of the parenting role comes into play. For us to be fully effective in that role, we must set aside our all too human ego and see the situation through the child's eyes. We can then imagine how challenging or even scary some of those situations are (like the first time behind the wheel of a car!), and have some empathy and patience for their perspective.

In not feeling rushed, the child is then better able to focus their resources and forge their way through the process. If we lapse into impatience or go so far as to criticize their efforts, the child is likely to feel inadequate. Habitual impatient parent responses can lead to the child developing undue anxiety or a lack of confidence when tackling new challenges.

At the root of patience is love. It is our love for the precious children entrusted to our care that fosters our own relaxation into the teaching moment. Our child's confidence and self esteem will grow along with their skill repertoire if we act patiently. In turn, we will more likely be rewarded with their expression of love and gratitude, versus their confusion or resentment toward our sometimes overbearing ways. In other words, when you find yourself looking at your watch, watch them patiently instead, remembering the child you once were as you guide and encourage them in the moment.

Encouraging Positive Choices by Teens

By Laurie Mullen
Reprinted from Wisconsin Woman magazine, March 2009

Encouraging our beloved teens to make the best choices for themselves in subtle yet influential ways can at times seem to exhaust our parenting skills repertoire (as well as our patience!). If you have more than one child under your wing, you know that different approaches are often more effective for different children, depending on their particular personality and qualities. Also, as they mature, we need to guard against assuming what choices would be best for them; it is one thing to guide, and another to mandate. Teens need practice in developing good self-direction, so it can be a parental dance of hands on and hands off during those years.

There are going to be circumstances when the teen's behavior is clearly not OK, and it's time to step in and hold their unacceptable behavior (whether occasional or habitual) up to the light for examination and possible disciplinary consequences. In such situations, staying as calm and loving as possible, while being fair, can go a long way to getting at the root of an unhealthy or inappropriate behavior (such as the teen experimenting with alcohol or drugs to fit in, low self esteem, disjointed family dynamics, resentment of authority, etc.)

To earn and maintain the love and respect of the teen we are parenting, we must also do all we can to be strong role models, walking our talk on a daily basis. Teens can spot hypocrisy a mile away. Your suggestions and advice will carry more weight and influence with them if they know that you are coming from a place of integrity. To paraphrase Gandhi, "be the change you want to see." The most effective way to encourage positive choices is for you to repeatedly recognize their strengths and all the things they do right. Convey your faith in them; tell them they have a good head on their shoulders and that you trust them to generally make those choices that will serve them best. Hold that happy, successful and fulfilled vision of them both in your mind's eye and in your words to them; they will then be more inspired to live out that vision (in a realistic and genuine, not perfectionistic, way). When things go awry, consistently choose unconditional love over anxiety or anger in your response to them, and the results will be more fruitful for all, with real hope of eliciting the positive change that is best for their development in these challenging years between childhood and adulthood.

Too Many Rules or Not Enough?

By Laurie Mullen
Reprinted from Wisconsin Woman magazine, November 2007

Rules can be found in almost all aspects of our society, in the home, at school, in the workplace, and in the community. Creating reasonable rules as your child develops is almost a constant challenge for parents. No matter how fair a rule seems to a parent, a child of almost any age is likely to challenge that rule from time to time, i.e. "But John's parents let him......"

On one hand, over controlling a child's behaviors often yields an overly passive child or one who will rebel in subtle or not so subtle ways. As parents, if we find ourselves overly involved or micro-managing at times, all we need to do is remind ourselves how we feel when nagged or otherwise closely scrutinized. On the other hand, an overly permissive home environment where the parent often aspires to be a buddy more than a gatekeeper can be problematic as well. A child raised with an "anything goes" philosophy will often have trouble adjusting to a stricter environment in the classroom or on the streets; sometimes those lessons end up being delivered in the principal's office or in a court of law.

When we find ourselves in conflict with your child about the "wisdom" of a particular rule, it is good to take a step back and openly discuss the original reasons that the rule was established (i.e. safety, health, personal responsibility, etc.). That helps the child understand and agree with the underlying rationale for various rules and expectations. After all, a primary goal of rules is to raise a child who becomes a self-directed adult who makes choices that benefit self, others, and the general environment.

Finally, let's not forget to "catch them being good." Complimenting children on actions such as kind deeds, sharing or cooperating with siblings, working hard on a difficult task, etc. will help them want to follow your guidelines as well as build their self esteem and your relationship. For further reading, I recommend either Children Learn What They Live or Teenagers Learn What They Live, both by Dorothy Nolte and Rachel Harris.

When is Parental Control Over Control?

By Laurie Mullen
Reprinted from Wisconsin Woman magazine, May 2007

Those of you who are parents reading this, especially parents of teens, are challenged almost daily to find that fine line between under reacting and over reacting to the situation at hand. Our over-controlling behaviors seem to come on strongest when our children are making choices not pleasing or acceptable to us. Often, when emotions are high, words are exchanged that later leave both parent and child feeling unhappy and frustrated. One of the best authors I have found on this subject is William Glasser, author of Choice Theory and Unhappy Teenagers: A Way for Parents and Teachers to Reach Them.

Dr. Glasser lists seven deadly habits that damage relationships: criticizing (which he views as the most detrimental), blaming, complaining, nagging, punishing, rewarding to control, and threatening. He recommends putting more focus on developing what he calls the seven connecting habits: caring, trusting, listening, supporting, negotiating, befriending, and encouraging. As he writes in Unhappy Teenagers, "the paradox is that the more direct control a parent is willing to give up, the more indirect control he or she gains, through the stronger and happier relationship." Another well-known author, Marianne Williamson, makes a similar point in her book A Return to Love, saying that, "When we are shaking a finger at someone, figuratively or literally, we are not more apt to correct their wrongful behavior. Treating someone with compassion and forgiveness is much more likely to elicit a healed response."

Many times we lecture too much and listen too little. Often there is a underlying reason for our child's misbehavior (common themes include social insecurities, pressure to get good grades, low self esteem, the child's uneven progress on the path to independence, etc.) which is not always fully uncovered when an egregious issue surfaces. As parents, taking a deep breath and carefully choosing our words with love will generally elicit a more reasonable response from our children. When tempers flare, the situation can quickly spiral from bad to worse, and things can be said and done which are not easy to forgive and forget. Most of us did not have previous instruction on how to successfully negotiate parent/child conflicts and differences of opinion!

Looking for a "win-win" approach will leave your child feeling more empowered and respected, and they are more apt to consider your guidance. Recognize that you both will make plenty of mistakes along the way during the years you are under the same roof. As Dr. Glasser suggests, "Just moving the power axis so it lies somewhere between you and your child will go a long way toward improving your relationship....when he is on his own, your only control over him is the strength of your relationship."

Building Positive Assets

By Nick Burrows
Reprinted from Wisconsin Woman magazine, March 2007

The Search Institute of America states that in order for youth and teens to live a happy, psychologically healthy, and fulfilling lifestyle, there are 40 pivotal developmental assets to be considered. This list of 40 assets is divided into two categories, twenty external and twenty internal assets.

A primary external asset would be the presence of support persons in a child's life who are a positive influence and could include neighbors, relatives, coaches and friends of parents.

Within the family unit, another external asset would be having clear family boundaries, meaning that there are clear rules and consequences for behaviors outside those rules.

Ideally, neighbors also look out for the welfare of neighborhood children and assist with the monitoring of behavior, in the spirit of "it takes a village to raise a child." A final example of one of the 20 external assets would be the child's engagement with creative activities, such as music, theater, or art.

Internal assets are those positive core values that virtually all parents want for their children, such as honesty, loyalty, dependability, integrity, a strong work ethic and a maintained focus on academic success. Internal assets fall under the umbrella of character education, which is currently sweeping this country in school guidance programs. In an era with an increase in school lockdowns and even violence, classroom guidance is a way of getting back to basics with a curriculum that engages youth and helps them become the best that they can be. An excellent resource for both parents and educators is the Young Persons Character Education Handbook by the editors of JIST Publishing (2006).

Other internal assets include reading for pleasure, refraining from drug or alcohol use, building solid study habits, developing cultural competence (knowledge of and comfort with people of different backgrounds), learning conflict resolution skills, and building resiliency and a sense of optimism. As George Burns once said, "You have to fall in love with your future." Having a solid foundation of parental guidance and role modeling is essential in these areas.

Whatever the child's family status, building positive assets that include those touched on here can lead to life-long changes in the young person's behavior, attitude, and self-esteem. As a counselor, what I find works best for kids is a checklist approach, working through each of the 40 developmental assets from top to bottom. Each asset can be discussed in depth, and the child walks away feeling better about themselves in that they are "OK" and are working toward a healthy, happy life.

Birth Order and How it Affects Our Kids

By Shannon McDonough
Reprinted from Wisconsin Woman magazine

Are you up to the challenge of understanding the order of your child's birth and the effect it can have on his or her personality? There is a lot to learn — but a snapshot of how their emotions, attitudes, listening styles, frustrations, work ethic, career choices, and friendships will be provided to give you a springboard to the world of birth orders.

An only child's original challenge is to learn how to play alone without feeling frustrated or lonely. They often cope by developing imaginary friends. They have definite organized thought patterns. Only children prefer to do things themselves. With parents they are obedient and emotional. Only children can become angered when they experience intrusion. They are typically introverted but with confidence. Career paths may include radio, finance, or teaching.

A first born child experiences an original challenge of accepting a new baby in the future. They go through a stage of "how to win back love" from parents. They often placate or cover up as coping strategies. Most typically, they are extroverted. They go through life cautiously. First born children often listen to others before they trust their gut instinct. Jobs in business, research, counseling, promotion, or public speaking often are of interest. First born children are wonderful at goal setting, compromise, and providing leadership. Their friendships often demonstrate compromising and serving characteristics.

Second born children deal with an original challenge of being outdone by the first born. They want to achieve well enough to be loved. The second born child copes by practicing perfectionism and logic which often prove to be their strengths. Justice is a necessity for the second born. They continually evaluate. They are typically close with parents. Second born children can become angry when they are criticized yet they often correct when relating with others. They are introverted and express love through constructive criticism. Accounting, carpentry, teaching, art and writing are examples of possible career choices.

The third born demonstrates an individual identity as well. They sometimes experience vulnerability due to being picked on by the second born. They learn early how to protect themselves. They compare when processing thoughts. Third born children are typically helpful to parents but sometime demonstrate rebellious behavior. They are extroverted and aim to please loved ones. These children can be fearless or just the opposite, extremely fearful. Career choices may include sales, newspaper reporting, writing, inventing, or nursing. They are emotionally strong and compassionate.

These are just a few examples of the many characteristics a child's birth order can have. Hopefully you found some of these examples to ring true with your children or yourself. Understanding birth order is not cut and dry. It is a process that evolves continuously over time and changes every minute. You can apply it with your children, your own siblings or the people that move around you in life.

Parenting Styles: Which Ones Do You Practice?

By Shannon McDonough
Reprinted from Wisconsin Woman magazine

There are many parenting styles. Long-term or short-term, some can be more encouraging than others. Many times it is difficult for parents to be sure which style is best fitted for their child's constellation of behaviors.

The Control/Punishment style is exemplified by a parent who often says "it's for your own good." They use punishment as their primary method of control. Punishments include grounding, using physical or emotional abuse, withdrawing of weekly allowance, and subtracting love. This is a very disrespectful form of parenting. Does this mean withdrawal of privileges is always negative? No! Sometimes it can be appropriate to withdraw privileges when the withdrawal relates to the misbehavior directly. Possible long-term results to this parenting style can be that the teen is late bloomer, has permanent apron strings, or even alienates children because they feel smothered or judged.

Using the short-term style of Controlling/Punitive/Rewarding Parenting is often identified by parents taking control. It affirms adults that they are doing their job as a parent. This style may encourage children to strong arm, manipulate situations for larger rewards, practice rebellious behaviors, not give unless there is something in it for them, or they can learn that they must give up ones self to be loved by their parents. Bottom line to remember for parents is that "it is not your job to catch your teen being bad, but being good." You want to reward, appropriate behaviors.

The Permissive/Overprotecting/Rescuing is probably the most popular today. Schools of all ages, including colleges, are looking for techniques to work with rescuing parents. This parenting style may result in raising young adults who expect undue service from others, focus more on material items instead of people around them, self centeredness, unable to cope with disappointment, and are not capable. Gradual doses of life experience or disappointment will teach young adults how to handle life and encourage resiliency.

Kind and Firm Parenting is a long-term style and can be the toughest to stick to for parents. It does not produce immediate results but can produce results that are lifelong. This style modifies behaviors for the long haul. It can teach teens that freedom comes with responsibility, mutual respect, accountability, and problem solving.

There are other styles of parenting. These are just a few types parents have to choose from. Raising teenagers is a tough, full time job, which takes a community. Stay positive, consistent, and know that not one way is always the right way.

A New Way to View Your Relationship with Your Child

By Shannon McDonough
Reprinted from Wisconsin Woman magazine

Personalities are innate. Everyone is born with their own personality traits. Parents of multiple children can agree that each child is different in their own unique ways. There are many different theories on how personalities form in people. Some say it is a life long process and some believe there are marked stages of personality development. The following information assumes that personality is complete at conception and is unique like a fingerprint to each child. The following information hopefully serves as food for thought in identifying yourself and your children personality traits.

A red personality usually is someone that is a logical thinker. These types are productive, natural leaders and works well independently. A red personality is direct in communicating. They practice goal setting and are highly disciplined. Leadership positions are sought after. People with red personalities have excellent organizational skills. These parents are excellent decision makers, leaders of the homestead, and a protector of the family. They typically offer solid and clear direction to the family unit. Children with red personality traits are highly verbal. They are independent. These children are risk takers. They are able to bounce back from negative situations easily and have a high self esteem.

A blue personality approaches life as a serious endeavor. They have a strong aesthetic sense to them. They proceed with sincerity and are emotionally deep. This personality type has an overall deep sense of purpose. They enjoy sensitive conversation and strongly empathize with others. Blue personalities prefer working in small intimate groups and are goal setters. As parents they encourage academics and overall development of their children. Their homes are clean and cozy. These parent often are self-sacrificing for their children. The children are properly behaved and can be easily disciplined verbally. As their parents, children with blue personality traits are loyal to the family unit.

A white personality is quiet, reflective, and peaceful. They accept life comfortably. White personalities enjoy simplicity, love animals and people. They are great listeners and serve as outstanding mediators. These parents flow well with crises. They value time enjoyed with each child. Children respect their gentle manner. Children with white personalities are nondemanding. They "go with the flow" and play well by themselves.

A yellow personality is rarely depressed. They are optimistic and flashy. These are the dare devils. They think quickly on their feet and thrive on spontaneity. Yellow personalities are comfortable around all types of people. Yellow personality types give priority to playtime and are highly entertaining. As a parent, yellow personalities are excellent short term leaders. They flow easily with negative experiences and can turn crisis into comedy. They are nonjudgmental about children's friends. Children enjoy their company and seek them out. Children with yellow personality traits are playful and entertaining, accepting of differences, and love to socialize. They are easy to talk to and are strong visual learners.

What color combination are you? What color combination is your child? By identifying your personality type as well as your child's, you will be better equipped to work through the many stages of child development. This knowledge will strengthen your relationship by having a better understanding of their personality type.

Consequences, Responsibility, and Trust: Inspire Integrity & Independence in Children

By Shannon McDonough
Reprinted from Wisconsin Woman magazine

Children learn from our adult example. Our legacy as parents is the most powerful thing we pass onto the next generation. The example that we set as adults will determine our children's success in a multitude of areas. This legacy can help our children be comfortable financially, have healthy relationships, and overall have a high quality of life. Children in today's society need to become more independent and strengthen their sense of identity but also understand that we need to accept help from family, school, communities, and the outside world. The balance is crucial.

We want to always have our children feel it is ok to tell us the truth. Whether it is who broke a window during an innocent game of baseball or why a phone call wasn't made by your child when they were going to be home after their curfew in the high school years, we want them to feel safe enough to trust us with the truth. When our kids come to us with their problems, we can use the opportunity to teach problem solving. If we as parents don't build an environment where our children trust us with the truth, they'll miss out on the guidance we can give them as they move through life challenges.

Natural consequences, what are they? Being accountable is a process that we learn over time. The lesson of natural consequence begins at a young age. For instance, if a child leaves their bike in the driveway and a car backs out over it, the bike becomes broken. If a teenager decides to leave campus for a quick run to McDonald's during a math course the natural consequence is a deduction of points in the math course and a detention is issued for after school, which costs five dollars. Now the one dollar hamburger costs six dollars and a deduction in the course grade. Some parents maybe inclined to pick up the bike after the child is done playing with it or provide the five dollars for detention, hence the natural consequences have been removed and the child has missed the correlation between cause and effect. Allow your children to make mistakes. Sometimes it is the only way they may learn and it can make a huge difference as they get older and have to make more important choices.

Responsibility develops over the years in number and complexity. Step by step we allow our children to earn more responsibility. Staying home alone for the first time, getting a driver's license, and going away to school are all stepping stones of a child's life. If our children are taught how to live with responsibility, the ultimate lesson for them is to learn to be self-reliant.

Integrity and Independence is something our children must have to be well equipped for taking care of our world, live a healthy life, and raise the next generation. It is our goal, to have our children grow to their fullest potential. Parents can insure integrity and independence if they encourage trust, responsibility, and allow a balance of natural consequences.